A rise to the surface in India
Far more than a holiday in the sun
Trigger Warning - This post discusses the recovery from trauma of sexual abuse, 50 years later.
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Following my return from a 10 day retreat to India it took over a week, back at home, to feel like I had returned to my own body and normal life. I felt like I had been put through a wringer and I was definitely not prepared for how I would be effected by the trip.
Last week I felt paralysed, unable to write, unable to journal, and just about able to keep up with my twice daily 20 minute vedic meditation practice. I am thankful that, during my weeks in India, I felt compelled to post a regular update for followers on my ‘Soberhappysixties’ Instagram account, because if I hadn’t done that I would be sat at my laptop, fingers poised, wondering what the bloody hell happened on the retreat, and what to write in this newsletter.
I arrived in India with an open heart and a desire to go deep, to welcome the child within to feel safe, to play, to feel joy. Daily asana practice, meditation, kirtan, chanting, exploration with a family of new female friends, all of the stuff, would lead to a feeling of security, right?
To a certain extent this is what occurred, but I just wasn’t prepared for my 12-year old self to emerge absolutely furious at what was inflicted upon her 50 years ago. The young Carolyn was apoplectic with rage. She had endured a prolonged anguish, assaulted every week in her own bedroom, by a man who should have been safeguarding her, whilst her mother was away at work on 24-hour shifts. Young Carolyn needed space to express this anger, it needed to be released. The strength of my feelings shook me for a while. I sought solitude from the group to work through my feelings, but on occasions the distress became evident during our daily sharing circles.
Thankfully, there were distractions on offer in terms of some of the ‘golden triangle’ excursions including; 2 nights in Delhi, Raj Ghat - the memorial to Mahatma Gandhi, and the eclectic and chaotic bazaars of Old Delhi; Then a night in Agra, for the 6am Taj Mahal visit; followed by a long drive to Jaipur for a couple of nights, for some further excursions (some of which I did not partake), although I managed the visit to Amber Fort.
One of my highlights of the trip was a beautiful sunset Yin practice on the rooftop of a delightful homestay in Agra, with views of the glorious Taj Mahal just a few hundred metres away. My tears flowed freely during the practice, and it was a relief to be able to release the emotions in this beautiful setting. After a few days of the sightseeing visits, we flew down to Goa, for some rest and recuperation.
I had been to the majority of these places in India on a month-long trip with my husband in 2019, but that was before I had stopped drinking alcohol, and before I had adopted my daily spiritual practices. Whilst Mr. C and I had thoroughly enjoyed our February 2019 India tour, we had also enjoyed a regular consumption of a cold Kingfisher lager on a hot day and evening (and of course, every day had been hot). I had always wanted to make a return trip to India when sober, and this 2025 India retreat trip was in my 5th year of sobriety. Anyone on a sober path will tell you that a whole heap of suppressed stuff can come up when your brain is completely free of toxins. Sobriety gifts us with clarity and insight, however when we have removed the numbing effect that has been used, in my case, for 40 years, then we have to be prepared to actually feel our feelings.
During my sobriety, I was prepared to feel the full impact of my mother’s death in 2023, without numbing. I was prepared to feel the impact of a 12-month separation from my husband without numbing. In India, I needed to process the impact of some of the trauma rising to the surface, also without numbing. Thankfully, my yoga mat is always an island of calm in a storm.
I’ve worked with a number of therapists throughout my adult life, psychodynamic, Jungian, Rogers’ person-centred, and even (in the 90s) Eric Berne’s Transactional therapy. I’ve spoken at length about the abuse. The who, the what, the when, the where, the how, (everything but the why) have all been explored, exposed to the light, feelings analysed, wounds exposed and given the opportunity to heal.
So why, in India, did all of these difficult emotions emerge? I believe that after 50 years of being deeply buried, the paths for the eruption of these feelings were opened by my regular spiritual practices, alongside a break from my duties as mother, grandmother, wife, sister, householder and worker. I had the time and space to be with myself, with none of the usual distractions of daily responsibilities.
Another factor to take into account is that for 40 years I drank alcohol to (subconciously) numb myself, and now I don’t! Gabor Mate says that we should not ask addicts the question “What’s wrong with you?” rather we should be asking “what happened to you?” I kept my problematic use of alcohol a shameful secret for many years, and when I started to talk about it, the shame lost it’s potency. Ann Voskamp’s oft quoted “Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces” is a saying which can almost be described as a truism for how accurate it captures the experience of sharing our stories.
I had began to realise that by not talking openly about my past, I had subconciously been giving it some power over me. The abuser had power over me fifty years ago, and he was never brought to justice because I did not wish to put my family through an ordeal. My mother passed away in 2023 and it is now that I feel fully able to talk about what happened to me, because I no longer feel the need to protect her from any (unecessary) guilt that she might have felt.
In addition to this, I have recently been reading my friend’s substack ‘The Daily Dharma’, in which she has described her recovery from a sexual and violent assault inflicted upon her, and whilst this has been devastating to witness, it has also played a pivotal role in helping me to examine my own recovery as an adult. I have come to understand how, as a child, I was unable to process a recovery from my experiences. It was the 70s, I thought I was the only person in the world to be experiencing this treatment and I only had the capacity to hide, to keep it a secret, and to withdraw from the world. I didn’t have the words to describe my experience when I was eleven, but I do now.
However, as well as now having the words to describe the wounds inflicted upon me, I also have some knowledge of yoga, and an awareness that I am healing from these wounds. Every yoga student hopefully learns the definition of yoga in Patanjali’s second sutra, ‘Yogas citti vritti nirodah’ - Yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind. I am in a healthier frame of mind since adopting a yoga practice, and I am aware that I do not need to identify deeply with the oscillations of my mind. When we practice asana and meditate we become the witness to these fluctuations, rather than identify ourselves with them. Meditation can allow the thoughts to slow and the mind to become anchored in the present moment, and our meditation practice allows us to fully understand that our thoughts and feelings are ever-changing, transitory in nature.
“What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”
― Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to your life's purpose
My current 100-hour programme of studies of The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali has now come to an end, and my passion for learning more of the spiritual practices from eastern philosophy has led me to begin another 100-hour programme, on Pranayama and Meditation, which has included initiation into vedic meditation by teacher, Rory Kinsella. It is this teaching that has required me to practice meditation twice a day, every day.
Pratyahara is the fifth limb of Patanjali’s eight limbs of Yoga Sutra, and is often translated as withdrawal of the senses. It is the practice of turning attention inward by disengaging from external distractions. I have welcomed the opportunity to be compelled to undertake this daily practice for the past 6 weeks. However, my emotional dysregulation during the India retreat and the week that followed, led to a deep reflection about my experience, and the reason it had been so powerful. I was compelled to undertaking some research of my own, and I was interested to find the following explanation on the benefits of vedic meditation.
Benefits of Vedic Meditation for Emotional Healing (lokha.com)
1. Reduces Stress and Anxiety
By activating the parasympathetic nervous system, Vedic Meditation lowers stress levels, creating a sense of inner peace and stability.
2. Releases Suppressed Emotions
Emotional pain that has been buried for years can gently surface and be processed in a safe, non-reactive way.
3. Enhances Self-Awareness
Meditation helps us observe our thoughts and emotions without judgment, leading to greater self-understanding and emotional resilience.
4. Promotes Better Sleep
Emotional distress often disrupts sleep patterns. Vedic Meditation improves sleep quality, allowing the body to recover and process emotions more effectively.
5. Strengthens Emotional Resilience
Regular practice makes it easier to navigate life’s ups and downs with a sense of calm and clarity.
It appears that during this retreat my emotional pain that had been buried for years surfaced, and I am grateful to be able to explore this in a gentle and non-reactive way in my therapuetic alliance with my psychodynamic therapist. I am also grateful for my strengthened emotional resilience which has allowed me to recover from this experience positively.
“Integration of the traumatic memories is achieved by bringing an unassailable sense of safety to the foreground, while approaching the pain of the past.” (Bessel van der Kolk ‘The Body keeps the Score’)
The psychological difficulties I experienced in India also led me to think more deeply about the purpose of retreats. A group of sober women getting together in a different location to their home, with daily spiritual practices, and a daily circle where we share and journal. So, just a kind of holiday, right? Well, of course it can be a vacation, an opportunity to relax, see the sights, and spend quality time with people who have similar interests. However, for me, if I had wanted just a holiday I would have booked a group coach trip to see the sights.
When approached with a degree of intention by a participant, a retreat allows for an extended period of self-reflection, and a retreat leader is responsible for always keeping this in mind. Retreats can be a powerful conduit for some profound healing to take place. One of the retreat leader’s roles is to ensure that the retreat is a safely held space and container for the guest to explore and express their rising emotions. Speaking to a friend the other day, she described herself as having an ‘emotional breakdown’ at a retreat she attended relatively early in her sobriety. I lean towards describing the rise of my deeply buried emotions on this retreat as an emotional breakthrough.
I had joined this retreat with the intention of completely relaxing, of letting go of any of the responsibilities of home, practicing daily meditations and asana, and being in the safety of other women who had experienced the anguish of addiction. I had also been prepared to explore the pain of my past if it presented. It is hoped that this essay has described just how much of my past pain emerged into the sunlight, but also, I hope this piece has provided a sense of optimism about how much a spiritual practice can help with recovery, not only from addiction, but from anything which causes us distress.
I am hugely grateful to all of the other women who were present to witness and support this stage of my healing journey, and to Alexandra McRobert for safely holding the space.
Other ways to link up with me:
If you are sober curious, or in recovery but looking for additional support, I work with 1-1 clients as a sober coach. A free discovery call can be booked on my website here Carolyn Clark Coaching
Also, if you are considering going on an all women sober retreat in Bali, there are still a couple of spaces left on the retreat in which I am collaborating with the amazing Lisa-Jo Elsworth, reiki practitioner, sound therapist, founder of Bee Sober CIC, and director of the International Practitioners of Holistic Medicine IPHM.
The details of the Bali retreat on 21-28 September 2025 can be found here.
I teach yoga in person at The Ucheldre Centre, Holyhead, each Monday at 6pm. This is an amazing venue, and our hall is the old church with it’s stained glass windows, which feels like a wonderful place for our spiritual practice.
I can also be found at Sober Happy Sixties